Three Common Beliefs That Limit Our Potential
True authenticity is rarely easy, comfortable, or guaranteed to be effective. But it is essential to our ability to sustain long-term success--on our own terms.
This is where the concept for "Be Essential" came from. We continued to hear leaders expressing the desire to remain "authentic", have a "bigger impact", and continue growing and scaling to "make the most of" their potential. Yes, yes and yes! And yet, we often found at least one of these self-limiting beliefs was stalling their progress... and adding great frustration along the way.
The first related to a lack of clarity regarding what "authentic" meant for them. The second related to a lack of clarity regarding what "impacts" they were already having--whether intentional or not, and whether beneficial or not. The third involved how to engage and balance these dimensions to build and sustain their progress over time. We call this the Essential Flywheel™ (represented by our logo), for the combination creates a dynamic, virtuous cycle for building essential confidence, competence, resilience, and momentum for the journey ahead.
Here are the three self-limiting beliefs and examples for "reframing" them as forward-looking aspirations to expand your thinking around more deliberate habits.
Self-Limiting Belief #1: Authentic = Easy
We like to believe it is easy to simply “be me.” Sounds simple, but when we double-click beneath the surface and are honest with ourselves, we find it’s not so easy for most of us.
First of all, it requires self-reflection to even define... what does "being authentic" really mean to me? What is "essential" and core to me, and the foundation of my personal sense of integrity? How do I know it when I feel it? How will others know it when they see it?
It can also be lonely. We need look no further than our earliest experience of “feeling different” or early examples of “peer pressure”, or even authority figures who wanted “the best” for us despite their version being quite different than the vision we had for ourselves. At an early age we were still figuring out who we were, what we stood for, and where we wanted to go in life, and may not have had a well-defined version of what “authentic” meant. Some of us may still be working on this.
Life also has a way of serving up unexpected challenges and opportunities that shift our priorities over time. If we have not invested in getting clear about WHO we are, WHAT we stand for, WHY, and WHERE we want to go—or have not protected time to deliberately fine-tune and re-tune these over time, it becomes even more challenging to “be authentic” while navigating the day-to-day pressures of challenging leadership roles.
Work and life are changing faster than ever. Being clear and “in-tune” with our authentic selves increases our sense of clarity and resilience. When we feel “out of tune” with ourselves, we limit our potential and our ability to sustainably navigate the fast-paced, continuously changing landscape we’re leading through.
This ideal can be especially challenging to maintain for high achievers and those with a “lifetime learner” mindset. Perhaps counter-intuitively, high-achievers tend to be very hard on themselves, and similar to lifetime learners, are perpetually adapting, refining, and growing in pursuit of their full potential. Therefore, “authentic” is not a static experience—and like a fine instrument—may require even more deliberate and frequent re-tuning to sustain (more on this in a separate post).
"Imposter Syndrome" is another manifestation of this experience. For example, when successive promotions, or the increasing scale and pace of an executive role begin to outpace our sense of readiness. It is often a “good problem”, for it usually reflects stakeholder recognition of our continued growth and perception of our future potential. Still, it can be a challenging experience to overcome, particularly when “integrity” or “authenticity” are closely held values.
Being authentic also means standing up for what we believe in—especially when it is most challenging. Examples like Mahatma Gandhi (India), Nelson Mandela (South Africa), and John Lewis (USA) come to mind. There are no doubt thousands of less famous examples each and every day; people taking a non-violent approach to speak up for and stand by closely held values and principles despite the “ease” of choosing to remain silent. It might require speaking up in a family gathering, business meeting, or amidst locker room banter. It’s not so easy to be authentic if it means being “different” than the prevailing “norms” of those in the room.
> Re-framed Aspiration #1: Be Authentic even when it is NOT so easy to do so.
We are constantly invited to be who we are.
– Henry David Thoreau
Self-Limiting Belief #2: Authentic = Comfortable
We also tend to assume that if something is “uncomfortable” then we’re not being “authentic.” If that were true, it would not be “authentic” to attempt learning anything new—especially anything that stretches us outside of our comfort zones. We tend to forget that our current sense of "authentic" required overcoming a sense of discomfort in service of something we deemed as more important than “comfort.”
Yes, we can be authentically set in our ways with no desire to grow, learn new skills, or expand our abilities. My guess is that if you’re reading this now, you’re not wired that way—you desire to continue learning, growing and realizing your untapped potential.
Let’s hypothesize that it’s possible to be both authentic AND uncomfortable. Let’s take it a step further and hypothesize that the most authentic thing of all could be remembering how to be comfortable with discomfort (i.e., learning, growth, change). Most of us experienced this "Beginner's Mind" very early in life, but somewhere along the line we decided (or learned?) it was no longer authentic (or safe?) to be in "learning" mode.
Consider the last time you tried learning something new... a new hobby, a new sport, musical instrument, foreign language, workout routine, or even a new business skill or leadership competency. Models like “The Competency Ladder”, “Growth Mindset”, and the “Learning Dip” put our short-term feelings of discomfort into perspective—short-term pain for long-term gain.
Learning used to be our “authentic” experience of life. Reflect for a moment on the many things we had to learn as children; how to walk, talk, tie our shoes, read, tell time, and perhaps how to swim, ride a bike, and eventually drive a car. We authentically fell down, had difficulty pronouncing words, got it wrong, and “failed” more than a few times.
We didn’t know what we didn’t know (unconscious incompetence). Over time we became aware of what we didn’t know (conscious incompetence) and might have experienced the “dip” of discomfort as our awareness of the gap between where we were and where we wanted to be became more clear. Despite the discomfort, we decided it was worth it, perhaps in pursuit of a longer-term gain. Perhaps we didn't judge ourselves so harshly for "not knowing" something, and were more realistic about the "learning curve" involved.
This is a common experience for those of us who went back to school mid-career, such as to earn our Professional Coach credentials. Following the notion, “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There” (© 2007, Marshall Goldsmith), sometimes we have to “unlearn” the very habits that got us to where we are. Many of us were already successful executives, entrepreneurs, business consultants, and team leaders. To become effective coaches required letting go of our need to “know the answer” or "fix the problem" and instead stretch to a “Growth Mindset” (Mindset, © 2006 Carol Dweck). This requires flexing from “knower” to “learner” and becoming comfortable with “Beginner’s Mind” in service of our clients' growth and development. Leader-as-coach is a similar experience. We almost always have an answer, but pausing to first bring out the best thinking in those around us will pay exponential dividends over time.
It can feel counter-intuitive. Our current strengths are the very things that helped us to achieve success thus far and now feel “authentic.” Trying something new feels awkward and “inauthentic.” But to continue to grow, adapt to changing circumstances, on-board to new roles, and continue to scale requires the courage to release well-worn habits in the service of our longer-term vision and potential. For many of us, this process of learning and unlearning never ends; the more we learn, the more we realize there is to learn (and un-learn!). It becomes a perpetual journey to mastery versus a journey to one specific end.
Learning to enjoy that journey (i.e., the “beginner’s mind” of perpetual learning) can be rewarding in itself. As we continue to practice, we become consciously competent. For example, we became aware of our ability to walk, talk, read, tell time, swim and ride our bikes. Over time and with more reps, we eventually realize we “know” how to do something and stop focusing on the mechanics of “how” to do it (unconscious competence). We may not have “mastered” the activity to the level of a professional orator, runner, cyclist, or swimmer, but we become comfortably and unconsciously competent, so it feels more natural, normal, and “authentic” over time.
> Re-framed Aspiration #2: Embrace “Authentic Discomfort” in service of your longer-term potential.
A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships were made for.
– John A. Shedd
Self-Limiting Belief #3: Authentic = Effective
It is comparatively easy to remain centered when we’re tied to a dock and tucked safely behind a breakwater. My hunch is that if you’re reading this, you have bigger plans for your “ship.”
First, let’s consider the hypothesis that it is possible to be 100% authentic and yet not be considered effective. Yes, let that sink in for a moment…
Next, let’s consider how we define effective. Think about a role you’ve held and what “effective” looked like; how it was measured, and what and who informed those measures. For example, how you would define “effective” parent, teacher, leader, cook, gardener, athlete, writer, musician, physician, or architect.
Often our inside-out measures have to do with our sense of authenticity, such as that we’re living true to our own core values, motives, and aspirations (vision). The outside-in measures (if we care about them) have to do with our impacts—how what we do impacts those around us—for better or for worse.
As a leader, our impacts—intended or not—include those we have on people (our team, peers, boss, customers, shareholders, significant other, family, friends, etc.) and desired results (business growth, financial stability, environmental sustainability, etc.). What “effective” means for each of these roles and impacts can be a great deal to balance.
Despite our best intentions, we could be having negative impacts on any one of these “stakeholders” and unless someone tells us—or we pause to consider this possibility and muster the courage to ask—we might not even be aware of our negative impacts. Over time these manifest as “blind spots” that have a tendency to surprise us down the road. For example, feedback we receive during an annual performance review or 360-degree assessment, or worse yet, the experience of being “held back” from a new role or promotion with no clue as to why.
The good news is that we can choose to clarify how we define effective—from both the inside-out and the outside-in. The clearer this becomes, the more strategically we can balance our focus and investment of resources, including our own preciously limited time and energy.
> Re-framed Aspiration #3: Define and align “Effective” from both the inside-out and the outside-in.
Leadership is an inside-out job. It starts in your heart, with who you are—your character and your answer to the question: Am I here to serve or to be served?
– Ken Blanchard
In my former executive leadership and entrepreneurial roles--and while observing hundreds of diverse executives as a Professional Executive Coach--I have continued to be reminded that our most demanding experiences in life often require us to fine-tune our balance of seemingly opposite “polarities.” This tends to become even more true the higher we rise in leadership roles. We experience ever greater ambiguity and “grey areas” to navigate than the relative comfort of the binary challenges we faced in earlier roles. The clearer we are about what “authentic” and “effective” mean for us, the more quickly we can recognize when we’re leaning “off center” and make deliberate adjustments to fine-tune and remain on-center, on-course, and on-purpose.
This is where “Be Essential” came from. It was born of the realization that dynamically sustaining our experience of being both authentic and effective requires us to be clear and aligned with what is essential to us and to how Essential Impacts are defined by our stakeholders. The key word is “dynamic”, for this is rarely a "won and done" experience. The more deliberately we attend to this Essential Flywheel, the greater our ability to sustain our clarity and resilience regardless of the terrain ahead.
We welcome you to join our mission to become “Essentialists” on our authentic journeys to realizing our full potential—in business and in life.
Thank you and stay tuned!
Kelly L. Holm
Aspiring Essentialist
Master Certified Coach | Co-Founder | Chief Coaching Officer
BeEssential™ | CoachKelly®
